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Rantings and ravings of a (somewhat) sane man  I'm lost. I have no fucking clue what is going on or how I can do anything about it. My friend is hurting and I can't help her. I just sit there and try to think of something to do but I just can't fucking think. I want to rail and scream at something or someone, but I can't do it to her because she can't take it and it wouldn't be directed in her direction but it would still fuck things up. I feel helpless against something like this because its not something I have any clue of what is going on or how to stop it or just....something. I can barely type straight right now cause I'm paralyzed with indecision and something. I don't think I've ever felt this helpless and its NOT FUCKING ME THAT HAS THE PROBLEM!! I'd call someone to tell them what fucking idiots they're being, but if I do that then I'm afraid it'll backfire and screw it up even worse. I have no idea what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to. And I know she need my help, and I'm trying the best I can to give it, but its just not working, and I can't think of anyone that I can talk to about it because no one knows whats going on and I can't think of anyone who could help me, I guess. Its like I'm lonely and and lost and if I wasn't lonely or lost I could have some clarity but I don't have it because I'm just cold inside; I just don't care about the problem because its gone on and on and on, and I've not be able to stop it, and the person who could didn't want to stop it because it would hurt, but it ended up hurting anyways, and probably went bigger than what we thought. I want to help as badly as I can, but I just can't bring myself to care about the other people it would effect because its THEIR FUCKING FAULT its happening, but I can't say that because she still feels powerfully for them even though its tearing her apart. Everyone is gone, and I can't just walk up to someone and say "Hi, here's an assload of my problems, but their not really mine, but I can't help but get caught up in them trying to help, but it just ends up that I can't help at all. Have a nice fuckin day." I can't even cry about the goddamn thing. I sit here looking at her, trying desperately to help and think of a clear way to do something, and I have nothing; inside and out. Apparently, I can't even comfort her, for God's sake. Fuck, I'm the only one that has her and her alone in mind, and I can't do anything. Yeah, she feels badly that she's done all this and yeah it was their fault in the first place and they dragged her along with it, but she can't get past the fact that right now, the best thing I can think of is to drop kick them to the goddamn curb and say "fuck you" to all of it. Right now they don't deserve to be your friends! They don't deserve to do this to you and yet it goes on. Then she says that all I've said so far is good, solid advice, but I have no idea about the emotional side of what it would do. I can't think what would be better; to have the emotional side of it in my head and what it would do, so that I could maybe give better advice or to stay this way because it seems I can see clearer this way. And, its not my place to have all the information. I dont' want it all. I really couldnt' care about their problems, other than the fact that its screwing her up. But I've tried to follow it and I just keep getting lost in all the twists and turns of it and I just can't keep up. A day goes by and everything falls apart. So the next day comes along and I try to help with the new problem, and we get that far and then *bam*, new shit comes along and everything that just happened is useless. I dont' know what telling her to start being selfish and worry about yourself for just a little bit would do, but it wouldn't help because she can't seem to do it in a way that would keep her from being hurt any more. And after all this, I still have nothing. I just want, so badly, to be held and just turn off for a while. Oblivion. Fuck, then I get to wake up to all this again. I dont' care that I have to help. I so badly want to help, but I just don't know how anymore. I'm out of ideas. I have no actions to do. I just want to be elsewhere. Why this empty feeling? Why is it that I only seem to be able to feel about...fiction. About something that isn't real. About things that truly don't matter. Is it just that I'm doing it wrong? No, thats not it. I know I'm not doing it wrong. Hell, it seems I'm just not doing it at all. So goddamn cold. And even when writing this...its just a shadow; not an ache, not a feeling, just a...memory of something. Patience isn't working. It...its not that I'm not patient, its that I seem to have no hope for something to come of that patience. Even this contentedness or whatever I have is breaking down. Something tired wants in. Something apathetic. Maybe this is despair? An absence of hope? I don't want to think its that far gone. Heh, maybe it has and I just sat back and watched it. Its not my friends; they're always the best. Its not that I can't talk to them. I can. I have. No offense guys (and girls), but it feels more like something I have to do for myself...and I just don't know how. I just want to get lost sometimes, but I know that it isn't the way. Then other times its as if I need someone to slap the shit out of me. To wake me up. To do something. To feel...something. Hell, its not cold...it's an emptiness. Something is there, but I just can't seem to get to it. To break through to it. And I don't even know what is there. Writing this (after all this time) and I can't even seem to glimpse it, can't make it clearer for what I'm looking for. Locking myself up wouldn't do it...you can run forever in your mind. You would run forever. And in the end you'd be running in circles, chasing it but never finding it because its in the center of you and you just keep running around and around and you just look in at it and see nothing because there's something in the way and you don't know how to get past it. You feel heavier and heavier because whatever weight that you have just keeps piling up and up and you know that whatever is in the center will make it go away or at least lessen it and you just keep pounding and pounding on what is in front of you in between you and you look and look and find that its you. It's always been you and you can't do anything about it. And you try and try to find something, anything to get in to help, but its all so empty. You keep fighting yourself and you keep losing and you don't know why. The world in there can't seem to make a difference, but you know that whatever is in there is so important, so very very important, that you *must* get in to it. And the weight keeps going up and up and you can hardly breathe enough and you know that screaming won't help, but even that might break it down...and nothing comes out. Tired...so tired but you just keep going because you know you have to. The walls help; take a bit of the weight off. Build more; it becomes an ache...something dull that you learn to push into the back of your head because there it won't bother you. You forget about it; not really, but its just a nothing; a poking that happens every now and again. Seems the walls have windows...peeking out and in to see whats there that you can't describe. Close your eyes, deep deep breath, put it all back away....knowing you won't forget about it, but moving on away so as to give the impression of hope or something that might make it better. And yet with all this, I can see others with a clarity that they seldom realize is possible. I help them, in the little ways and the big ones, and somehow it makes me better. And worse. Why them? Why can I help them but not me? I'm not bitter towards them. Not at all. I'm envious. They have something that so far I seem to be denied, whether by me or whatever. So help them, and maybe one day I can help me. -I want *purpose*. I need something to strive for. I crave a goal; something to which I can devote myself to utterly. -Why do we find the dark so...intriguing? What about it makes us deny it, but still, sometimes, crave it in our thoughts? Is it the mystery behind it? That can't be; we know where it leads. The allure, the passion it somehow stirs in the most righteous of us? All of us have our moments of weakness. And why do many of the paths into darkness come from our perception of love? Lust, one of the most primal of emotions, is always a path. A caress, the forbidden touch of someone to someone. So intriguing... -God is love. Love, however, is not always God. But why not? I'm talking about true love; not lust or some pathetic imitation. I'll freely admit God is better at it than we are; He's better at everything. But why is our pale image of that same love not an incarnation of God? Because we are flawed creatures. It's in our flawed natures, though, that God is the happiest. That we strive towards perfection, no matter how far away we might be, is why God loves us so much. James York You know what? I lied. I'm not done typing. I've decided to change some things. If you all have gone back and read your way through my little notebook, you'll remember that my first rant was about this. I'm changing some things that I don't like. I'm tired of putting on airs and masks and all that crap. Most of you know that I'm (trying not to be entirely modest) pretty well off in not doing that in the first place, but I think I'm just going to drop it in general. This may well turn out that I'm not going to be as talkative or open or anything, but there's going to be a couple of differences and we'll see if you can notice them. It's grown too tiresome and stupid to keep on doing it. Second off, I'm going to be a bit more...decent in my dealings with other humans. Gasp, shock, and awe, yeah yeah yeah (the decentness thing is coming at the end, so don't hold this against me). Third off...I don't think I'm going to tell you. Don't have to and while it may have something to do with you, it is most likely not your concern (business maybe, but not concern). Few more things, but yeah...that should start it off at least. Maybe this will help. Maybe it won't. Guess we'll find out. James York It has been quite a while since I have last posted. Since that time many things have changed; some for the better, others for the worse. And with all that has happened I still find myself at a loss for things to talk about. I've talked about love (or lack there of), friends, and lots of other topics that may or may not be relevant. What's worse is that it feels like I have something to say but no way to say it, express it, or even what the hell it is. I don't know...its just frustrating I guess. Maybe it's some sort of isolation thing, that I don't have anyone to talk to about it (whatever "it" is...). But that's not entirely accurate as I know I can talk to many people about lots of stuff (and even though its 3:30 in the morning, I can't believe that "lots of stuff" came out of my train of thought...oh boy). Many of you know about the lack of a girlfriend has troubled/vexed/etc. me and possibly this is a symptom of it (withdrawal or something crazy like that). And most of you know what has happened with all of it as I'm pretty open about it. Maybe it's the lack of a physical release of one sort or another that's keeping this all pent up inside. There are merits to this point, as I'm not exactly what you'd call "extremely active" in my regular activities. Hehe...I should take yoga... My crazy-ass sleep schedule probably isn't helping much either. Er, anyways. I don't know. Even as I sit here, I'm looking at what I'm writing and feeling like this is just a futile, angst-ridden experiment that is slowly dragging me down. Holy effin' crap. What the hell am I talking about?? I need to get away from this...hey look! Bunnies! .......Nope, didn't think that would work either. *sigh* Anywho. I have no point, which is usually what happens when I get like this. Maybe I'm looking for a point. I just...I don't want to type any more. James York I miss the way you look at me. I miss the way you laughed. I miss the way you always held me. I miss the way your eyes shined. I miss the way we talked together. I miss the Sunday afternoons at your house. I miss the way we teased each other. I miss the flowers that I gave you and the nights we went and danced. I miss the sound of your voice and the soft sigh you always sighed. I miss the way we kissed at night before we went to bed. I miss holding your hand in mine. I miss the trips we used to take. I miss helping you when you needed it and even when you didn't. I miss the way you smiled at me even when I was being me. I miss the way we were comfortable with doing nothing at all. I miss the way we played together and how it always worked out wonderfully. I miss the way you got mad at me. I miss the times we argued. I miss the way you said my name. I miss the way I felt about you and how I felt inside. I miss the memories that I can't remember. But mostly I miss the way I loved you. James York I will preface this little rant with this: I know that I will sound somewhat egotistical and self-centered in parts, but really...its all true (unless you can prove me wrong) so I'm going to say it anyway. Ok. I've come to realize, some on my own and some with the help of others, that its not that I don't have a girlfriend or that I ask someone and they just say no. No...it doesn't happen like that. That would be fine. What I get, and what truely hurts, is "You'd make a much better friend" or some variation thereof. Lets go over what is happening. Here is me; nice, decent looking, well spoken, quiet (mostly), non-addict...basically the "good guy" that every girl I listen to is looking for. No flaws that can't be overlooked or put away when I want them gone. And here is the girl, looking at me, adding two plus two and getting five, then thinking something to the effect of "No...he's too nice to date", and consequently turning me down in one fashion or another. THIS SUCKS FOR ALL THE NICE GUYS!!! Seriously, we don't even get the benefit of dating you before you give us the god damn friend speech. We start off in the hole. And so you'll see us helping the girl through one rough patch or another of a guy who's an asshole (who we knew all along was an asshole and who said girl still dated) doing something assholish and hurting our ladyfriend, all the while hoping against hope that you'll finally open you friggin eyes and see what is waiting there. I know that this has been said before...and it will be said again in one form or another...and I'm not really saying anything new...but this time its me saying it and getting it off my chest. And please, this rant is not directed to anyone in particular, just girls in general. Nothing has happened lately, its just how things have gone in the past. But...continuing on. I have one friend saying that she wants the guy to make her feel wanted and loved and the whole 'center of the universe' complex. Ok...granted we aren't as forward as your typical bar guy, but what me and the others like me lack in that first step...we make up for it ten fold later on. I have another saying that it would be weird because of all we've been through. Well heaven forbid someone start off a relationship with a good, solid foundation...cause we all know where that leads...houses falling down left and right lemme tell you...*sigh* I've got three different reasons why we would be good together and all the girl can look at is the one tiny reason why we *might* not click. I'm sorry...but my head is getting tired of banging against the brick wall. I know this is a hopeless gesture, but I pray that one day all this shit that people look at and are afraid of would just go away. So...to all the ladies out there, this is for you. You know the people I'm talking about, and you know that I'm right. I'm not making this so you come running to me, cause thats not what this is about. The main reason for this rant is because I want the "Lets just be friends" crap go out the window. You afraid it will ruin the friendship? No...you're afraid that its what you're looking for and you don't know what to do. It won't ruin the friendship. It really, really hurts us when you use our friendship as an excuse to keep us apart. I'm having trouble putting this into coherent sentences...so I guess I'll have to cut this short. Take a chance every now and then...I know that I have. -James York Why does it have to be feast or famine? Can't it just be one at a time (or only one forever if we're being hopeful)? It always seems to work out this way, though. For those of you just tuning in (which is basically most people...), I have the...dubious pleasure of being very much attracted to two women, both of whom I think, probably, maybe, kinda like me back. Not real sure...but I can hope. I've been without a companion of this sort for a very long time and now that I have two prospects such as these, well, it almost makes me think the wait was nothing, patience being a virtue and all that (though it doesn't make impatience a vice...). As the title suggests, let me start waxing...or poeting...or whatever. One can be described as vibrant. She does everything with a zest that is unmatched by most people. When she moves I can't help but watch. And damned if I'm not the luckiest bastard to be her dance partner. I can't keep up with her and I don't even try. Her smile, her scent, her (hehe) flexibility; it's alluring. She's straightforward, almost blunt (heh...kinda like me...though not to my extent), sexy as hell, and she knows what she wants. That last one right there is more than I have, and I guess it attracts me. Only recently have we had any sort of interaction outside of show choir and it looks like we clicked. But as I've said before: "I can read almost everyone. It's only when I try to read a girl I like to see if she likes me back that I have no clue." And true to form, I can't. I do have someone who is finding out the inside knowledge for me, which is good. So I'll hopefully have some clues soon. The other is...breathtaking. For some reason I can't take my eyes off of her. I find myself taking every chance I get to look at her, be close to her, talk to her. And since I work with her it gets a bit distracting. Damned if I care. I usually have more control over this sort of thing; being able to control my actions. But with her I somehow lose most of that control. She's an interesting conversationalist, sexy, has those pretty eyes...*sigh*. I always want to get closer. Her voice is captivating and she knows it. She's kind to everyone, respects people, and listens well. When she needs to she gives good advice and its strange how often it matches my own. They are different in many ways, but similar in the ones that matter. They both fun, caring, capable, and loyal. They both stick to their guns when its over something important. And both of them light up my world. Anyways, enough of the poetry stuff (though its not really poetry...). I'd love either one of them, though I'd be very hard-pressed to choose (ain't it always the way...). If either of them read this, all that I've said is absolutely true, so if you need the ego boost or just some reassurance that you are very much edible (hehe) here it is. For the rest of you reading...I wish you knew these women. You'd be blessed. James York I know its been on Jackie's comment list for a long time now but I just now saw it and wanted it to have its own post. And since I don't post all that often (and so every post is a jewel of its own) I feel I will do the honors. http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/%7Ejenf/wri I have looked long and hard for something like this. And I finally found it. James York It is difficult for me to write this, as I really don’t understand it fully myself. And for me to get it out of my system, I am trying some steps that, hopefully, will jog something into working. Many people strive for love, acceptance, money, power. Others struggle for less, some for much more. I strive for balance and peace. I strive for something within me to be able to stop the turmoil that I somehow feel about myself. I don’t hate myself; but there are times when I feel that I shouldn’t be here. I don’t love myself; but there are times when I feel that if I wasn’t around then someone would be much worse off than if I was gone. I am supremely confident, but have nothing to go all out for. I have nowhere to go. Life is giving me options and I just...don’t take them. It is similar to apathy, but I don’t think that it’s that. One of my earlier rants went over my melancholy; a...semiannual event that I go through. This is not it. This has been an issue that has plagued me for at least 3 to 4 years. I don’t think that it is the future that I’m worried about. I know that it’s there, and I know that it is coming. But I have no drive to see the future. No...spark that sets me off when I discuss the future. It feels as if I am distancing myself from the future. Not people or decisions or anything else; just the future. Balance and peace; one to find the center, the other to keep it. I know that I can’t find true balance, true peace. Zen masters always say that they haven’t found it and I’m nowhere near that level. I’m just looking for a small measure of both. Once I’ve done that I can take a side, I can find something to endeavor for. But it feels like I’m a gyroscope without a center of gravity; spinning and spinning and going out of control. All I’m asking for is just a bit of both. It’s not frustrating when I can’t find it, it’s just...disappointing. Maybe I need a focus. Something to keep my eye on when I’m traveling. But I don’t know what to focus on. And that’s probably one of the problems. No focus. No higher goal. Nothing to tell me when I’ve reached the top. Maybe I think that I don’t have a future. I work, I go to school...that’s about it. I don’t have any overriding hobbies; no commitments to someone or something that make me choose between them or work/school. I’m bored with…things. I like and need to be hanging out with people, but the people I want to hang out with either aren’t here or aren’t available when I am and the people I can hang out with sometimes can’t do anything to help. Games and the like don’t do anything but provide a temporary distraction; and that’s just what I need...another distraction. Nothing is providing a path to a future. School is the basic training but it doesn’t point the way. Work is something that passes the time (a very poor way to pass the time...). And then there is…a void. I don’t know. Nothing I’ve written so far has jogged anything. Well...that’s not entirely true. I just want something to strive for; then I can find the balance and peace that I want. If I have to work for it all the better. I am not asking for it to be handed to me, but even if it was at this point I’m not sure what to do with it. I just...can’t seem to get it out. A man of so many words and nothing can describe this or give it meaning. Nothing. Hope! I lied earlier. Balance and peace are all well and good…but somehow I didn’t say what I wanted. I want hope, I struggle for hope, I desperately cry out for hope. I want to roll it around me and let it burn away all that is making me this way. It’s a simple word for a simple feeling. And it is a simple feeling. It’s the eye of the storm, the calm point around which everything centers. Its just getting there that is the part where everyone stumbles. Where everyone makes it complex. Whenever someone offers me hope, in one way or another, in small or large doses...it gives me new life. I get a small taste for it and I so badly want to get it again. I lose it; somehow I so very much lose it. But I crawl and beg after it, desperately fighting for the glimmer I had to return. And at those times in my life...I feel a strange completeness come over me. I could have nothing, no one, and nowhere to go; but I would have something to try for—that feeling of hope. Somehow, that is all I need or want. Hope springs eternal; I just pray that I can find a tributary... James York |
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